Who are you today?


Who are you today? Do you really know who you are today?

Sometimes we are not true to ourselves, we want so badly to impress others, a man or a colleague, we want them to think well of us and we try to say the right things to fit in. But what does this really do to us? When we are trying to be something else than we are, when we want our man or just anybody to notice us, we tend to get into our head and try to THINK us through everything - whatever we say and however we want to appear, rather than just sink into our bodies and become who we already are.

It has taken you as long as you are old, to get to where you are today, and to change this will not happen overnight. Or, well, I suppose it could, but it would probably not be long lasting. It would not be sustainable. It takes TIME to change old behavioural patterns, and it demands a great awareness. No-one can be so aware, that they can change ALL their old behaviours from one day to another. At least, it is very rare. In fact I have only seen it happen once, to a school friend as a teenager. Remember, teenagers are formable in a way that we grown ups are not so it was perhaps easier for her. She was one of those nerdy girls, who stuck by the wall and did not talk to anyone else but her other nerdy friend. The guys teased her, and the popular girls looked down on her. But suddenly, over the course of a summer, she transformed. She changed EVERYTHING. She changed her hair, she wore makeup, she lost 10 pounds, but most of all - she changed the way she appeared in the world. She suddenly had confidence. She expressed herself, her feelings, what she wanted, and not wanted. She was suddenly authentic, and that was very appealing. Suddenly she had guys all over her. I could not really understand it, it had happened so fast, but I ADMIRED her. I remember thinking I wished I could do something like that myself....she was totally BRAVE and BOLD.

And that is exactly what you need, if you want to be able to change into your true, authentic feminine self. You need to be brave. It is scary to speak your truth to a man, or to someone you like (and perhaps feel a little bit dependent on). It's scary to speak your truth to your husband, and even more so to a man you've met who you WANT to be your husband. You need to be brave, because you will feel afraid that speaking your truth will get you into arguments or disagreements, and because you cannot handle such things yourself, you'll automatically assume others also don't. You will be afraid of scaring people away. Or not being liked. Not being LOVED.

Perhaps you want your man to see you and see that you are the perfect couple. But, when you are not showing your true self, you will never know if you really ARE perfect together. So you need to be brave and show yourself, show him who you really are.

But what if you do not know who you really are, deep inside? I know so many women who seek help, especially with their love life, who do not really know who they are or what they truly want. Not only in relationships, but in their intire life. When I ask, they may say they want to be "happy". But when I go deeper, they often cannot explain what HAPPY looks like. Maybe they never really felt happiness. Maybe, their perception of happiness is just a fantasy world. Or, when asked to specify what happiness looks like, they say they want "a work they enjoy" and "a family". Being vague about what you really want, is a sign of lack of boundaries and often stems from a certain degree of "childhood emotional neglect" during your upbringing.

However, being too specific will not help you either. Saying things like "I need to earn 1 MUSD to be happy" is too specific. It can certainly be a goal, but if you cannot feel satisfied with less, you are in reality preventing yourself from happiness. Same goes for relationships. If you state that your man has to be at least 6 feet and have dark hair, you will lose out on the guy who was 5.8 with brown hair, and who could really give you love.

Being specific in the sense of knowing what you want is hence NOT about attributes on the outside. you will benefit from broadening your horizon and look inside instead, to find out how you FEEL about things. As I have already written many times - your feelings are your compass. You will get to a much better place much quicker, if you let your feelings guide you.

So to find out what is right for YOU, start with investigating how you feel, without the accompanying thoughts. Thoughts are tricky. Thoughts feed feelings, and if you are like me, namely one of the sixteen percent of people with  strong negativity bias, you are likely to get stuck in thought patterns THAT DO NOT SERVE YOU. These patterns consist of negative feelings that feed negative thoughts, which then takes you spiralling down in even more bad feelings. The key here is as always: AWARENESS. Be aware of the thoughts. Breath. Pause. Accept them and love them, then let them fly away, like hundreds of butterflies or the water drops in a waterfall. Instead walk yourself into your body and FEEL.

One of the worst things you can do when it comes to thoughts is to get into the "if only" mind. "If only he would do that, things would be different". If only i could be more like this or do more like that, he would love me. See me. Propose to me. But the if only mind is only a limitation of who you are. What you need is to let go of "if only" and accept yourself, just as you are in this moment. Express and ACCEPT yourself just as you are in this moment. That is your true self. Not the negative feelings stemming from limiting thoughts and beliefs, but the good feelings which are in there too. If you look deeper you WILL find the good stuff as well, and these good feelings can exist simultaneously with the bad stuff. It's the complexity and the wholeness of it all that makes you YOU. And you are fine! You are perfect! You are unique and whatever you tell yourself, you have SO MUCH to bring into this world.

So to answer the question......the person you are today....its is not your past. You are also not your thoughts. Nor your actions. Not even your feelings. But you are the aware presence, who can notice all of this and give it meaning. So be AWARE of what meaning you give to it all, because this will define your fate. So please, give it meaning - not by thinking your way through, but by tuning in to your body and your truth, and expressing yourself openly. Everyday, moment by moment.