What women want in relationships

29.07.2020

My wish is for all people out there to get into great relationships and STAY there. I feel sure the world would be a better place if we could learn to love ourselves first, and our partners and children. For how can all war and suffering end, if we cannot even end conflict in our absolute closest neighbourhood? if we cannot find love enough in our hearts to forgive, accept and work through small everyday struggles? It is an utopia to think that bigger issues can be solved before the small ones.

But how could we give love to our partners if we do not even know what they want? Sometimes we ask. We ask our partner what they want from us, hoping that their answer will give clarity. Especially when things start to go wrong, the question arises:”what do you want from me??”

 And if this is said by a man to his woman, when she is frustrated or angry, or just a tiny bit irritated, the answer is often something like:

 “I want you to:
 
- clean more
- do the dishes
- cook more
- take out the garbage
- help with the kids
- etc 

Often, its about the man not doing his fair share around the house, right? So, if he listens to what his woman says, and start doing more or maybe all that is requested. Because then everything will be ok, wont it? She will be happy, and love will flow again?

Well, sorry but I am here to say that IT WON’T WORK. For neither of you. As a woman, you cannot direct a man to do anything without feeling resentment afterwards. And as a man, you will feel like less than a man if you let yourself be directed by your woman, and you may also feel angry. This will create even more tension in the relationship, and a bad circle of unmet needs will start.

Women THINK they know what they want from a man, because of the irritation felt when he is not doing whatever we want him to. But most often neither men nor women knows what they really want deep inside, and only when we see that what we thought we wanted did not work, only then, we realise that what we wanted was not really what we wanted! And that is where doubts can suddenly enter; we start questioning if the partner really is a good match after all.

But what if I tell you it does not have to be that way? What if I tell you that wants and needs are different things and that there is some common ground for all men and women, regardless of personality, when it comes to love? Love is a feeling, and hence it morphs. You either feel it, or you dont. 

What a woman wants in a relationship is pretty much the same as a man, namely, to feel loved. But how a woman perceives feeling love is different from a man. There is a great book by dr Gary Chapman “The five love languages”. This book describes in a simplified way the different ways we experience love and perceive love. If you have not read it, its a great tip because it can start a process of figuring out what you want for yourself. This is regardless of sex.

But now I am talking about the preliminaries. The core in what a heterosexual woman with a feminine sexual essens really needs in love. I am talking about the three P:s - Protect, Provide and Pursue. Even if we try hard to create a society where everyone is not only equal, but even the same (!) regardless of sex, this does not work in love. Some aspects are in our evolutionairy biology, whether we like it or not. And a woman, especially a mother, needs to feel Protected, Provisioned and she wants to be Pursued.

Now you may think that this seems very old fashion and maybe even sexist. Well maybe so....but these needs are inherited and programmed within us.. In the book “Manhood in the making: Cultural concepts of masculinity” dr David D. Gilmore writes about his over 20 years long, crosscultural study of men, manlihood and masculinity. And what he found was that there were three things that were common in all cultures, over all years, namely the three P:s (he uses the word Procreate, but here I prefer to use Pursue, which is more correct in the terms of what women want).

We end up with non-loving relationships, we end up with drama, conflict, or generally not getting our needs met. We end up with this diffuse feeling that something is lacking.

So if we go back to these three P, Protect, Provide and Pursue. What do they really mean, and how does it look?

1. Protect.

A woman needs to feel protected. If we go back to the savannah, some million years ago, this would look like being protected against life threatening events, such as lions, tigers, or other tribes. This would look like being protected so that an unborn child can be born or the children already there could grow up and be strong. The innate systems of men and women decided who did what - men are stronger and have more muscles. Men have more aggression. A woman is more vulnerable. She cares for and protects the children by feeding and comforting them, while the man protect the family from outer circumstances. But now, when no tigers around, what does this protection look like? 
well, a woman still needs to feel safe. But nowadays, it is more a matter of emotional safety, since people in the western world and especially in Sweden live in societies that are relatively safe. This could make it seem like the protector skill is outdated - if women are so capable, and self sufficient, then they wouldnt need a protector, right? And this can certainly be true in some cases. However, those are not the women you want, as a man. And those are not the women I coach. The women I coach, want to be femine, and the men masculine, because they simply want a thriving, romantic relationship! And surely there are threats anyway. No woman likes to walk home alone at night for example. And speaking about emtional threats, protection against loneliness is a very important one. Emotional support is another one.

2. Provide.

In modern societies, most women work to make their own living. In some places it is even seen as very suspect if a woman wants to be a housewife or stay home mum. So where